December 19, 2022

Prophet Predicts Smash Bros Champion

It all began a while back when Geraldo (may his future endeavors bring him success and his legacy never be forgotten) would pack his own Switch and bring it to work. Lion, Geraldo, and Victor would then spend their breaks playing Smash Brothers or Mario Kart. Dephion, the ever-supportive employer, caught on to this and decided to purchase an in-home Switch for all staff to use at their leisure.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate has become the game of choice within this self-proclaimed “cult”, as Cody puts it. And, of course, like any respectable cult, every player has his thing.

According to Bart Jacobs, Bart van Gerven, who is a bit of a prankster, will go for the Super Smash Melee characters. And his favorites are Isabelle, from Animal Crossing, and Snake, from Metal Gear Solid. On the other hand, Bart, the other Bart, assures he is the best Captain Falcon. Bart van Gerven was asked who the best player in the group is: “The best player? Me, of course. And I am saying this purely to annoy my fellow colleagues who might read this,” he says as laughs mischievously.

Cody knows DLC are not overpowered and it would be silly not to choose them. He thinks, “out of everyone I would say the top 3 players are Bart, [the other] Bart, and myself. Marc comes in close behind.”

Now, this is important, so just hold on to that information for now.

Marc is in just for the fun, as long as the game isn’t Mario Kart. But he’ll be there anytime for a Smash match. Alireza will sooner go for fighting characters like Ken and Kazuya, which apparently are more difficult but yields worthy results. According to Bart Jacobs, “he often teams up with Marc or me to make sure a QA guy wins.”

So… it’s not every man for himself after all. The plot thickens.

Sidney will more likely slash you than punch you. Kenny, who knows to quit while he’s ahead, is satisfied taking out van Gerven or Cody. They deserved it.

Lyudmill, who totally didn’t get the game at home to practice, takes the all-in approach of sticking with Zelda or Steve until he has perfected their techniques. Amr’s controllers and spamming that one ability are the only reasons he hasn’t earned a better reputation but everyone should stop complaining about it.

Lion will join if it’s not too crowded, but he packs a heavy punch with Ganondorf or Ike. When Bogdan fancies a little game time after work, he’d rather snipe from the sidelines with King K. Rool. And Side B Jelle favors R.O.B.

Finally, Bart Jacobs himself. “I got good at Palutena but she's difficult in the chaos of group games. Little Mac is my favorite–when he gets a KO (you hear ding ding) someone in the room shouts ‘ding ding!’ and people move away. With King k Rool they say "raid boss" and will get focused.”

Alright. And yet, the question still remains: who is the best player?

Luckily, a tournament would set this argument to rest soon enough.

The day was Friday, November 11. After school—that is, after work, it was all set to begin. You could smell the tension in the air. Or perhaps it had something to do with a little lactose intolerance after collectively consuming eleven pizzas. Anyway, on this night, someone would rise above the rest and claim victory.

Amr knew who that was going to be. Some say that his powers of prediction indicate he might be a prophet of Apollo, and by some, we mean no one. Still, he got it right.